You must wonder why im relentless

I'm deleting this livejournal... add me on came_to_terms

liv

let's stop this talk of action because action comes easy its the moments just before that are hard.

toddly you stupid bastard lets hang out soon.


one year ago today my mother died.
me and her best friend jenny went to the dunedin causway because it was my moms favorite place to get fucked up. her favorite flower was the sunflower so we got a dozen sunflowers and threw them into the sea.

i tried to cry. GOD did i want to cry so badly. but i couldnt.

i went home and went through a box of her shit that i didnt have the guts to look through until today.
Im glad I did.
I found letters i wrote her when i was little.
pictures of her at livestock.
pictures of me and her when i was a baby.
pictures of my brothers and sisters that ive never met or seen.
her wiccan books.
her pipes, old glow sticks a hooka and a "drug experiance" journal.
letters between her and friends about my dad disapearing.

a lot more.


its hard to miss someone you  never met.
but i found a way to make it possible.


damn myself for turning to pills to cope.
i guess its better than alcohol because that would just turn into a huge bundle of an emotional mess.
ill save the drinking for tomorrow on st patricks day.


off to the bathroom with her picture..whats left of my roxies, a rolled up dollar bill and a stuffy nose.
it was her favorite pill to snort. and quite possibly what killed her.


ohh what have i done to myself.

its sad to say, alcohol is what cures my problems, alcohol is what makes my problems worse. alcohol makes friends, alcohol fights. 



its such an ironic method of self medicating. and in all reality it makes things worse most of the time so why do i still use it as much as i do.


too drunk too much

My mom went out of town for the night last night. I didn't have much of a party. It was more so a friendly little shindig between some close friends. Joy didn't stay long but i enjoyed her company. April and David slept on the bed down stairs. Niq slept on the couch and Mitch slept upstairs. Uma and Dan left later on. Me and Brando stayed up practically all night talking about the most serious of things. Where we want to be in 5 years. 10 years. 20 years. What we want to do with our lives. What our ambitions and goals are. I usually don't like talking about things like that with people because it scares me half to death. "what if i fail. what if im not happy with the way life turned out. what if..what if..what if.."

but for some unknown reason, I felt like everything was going to just...kind of fall into place and work its own way out. I have a feeling of comfort now, that wasnt there before. I'm glad Brandon helped me see it.

I think its time for a change. New people, new environment, new perspective, new everything.

but as for now, I'm going to sit here and eat my fake ass beef.

 
Friends only!
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